Exercise: Substack HQ, Revisited
Writing Exercise #3
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Welcome to the new and improved Writing Exercises at Gibberish! In the past, these exercises took the form of weekly microfiction (typically 500 words or less) designed to help me hone my creativity. This year, in order to free up space for longer form fiction, my writing exercises will be reduced to a monthly schedule, but I will be more deliberate about what exactly my exercises are, you know, exercising.
The added feature for these exercises are paid-subscriber Craft Chats, where I will discuss the exercise and particular goals I had with the story and elements of craft. If you are a paid subscriber, you can access these Craft Chats on the app. If you are not a paid subscriber, and paying for a subscription is not in the cards, consider using the referral program to earn a paid subscription? Referring 2 subscribers will earn you a 6 month comp automatically!
While exercises will be slow in coming, if you have ideas you think I should explore, feel free to let me know in the comments!
Enjoy!
Inspiration: Revisit the Substack Headquarters. THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE. Any resemblance to real people, places, or things is a coincidence, the below is a work of fiction intended for HUMOR.
Chris Best was waiting on the helipad on the roof of the new Substack Headquarters in San Francisco. Hamish was late. He looked at his watch, which looked back at him. He shook his hand, trying to get it to display the time, but the AI was in a bad mood and refused.
The metal door clanged open behind him, and he saw Hamish out of breath. “You’re late.”
“I’m never late. Nor am I early, I arrive—”
“I don’t need your cryptic New Zealand parables, Hamish. We’re in trouble.”
“Actually it’s pronounced Hamish. And, what, trouble again? We just released tik-tok—I mean, reels,” he replied, flossing concernedly.
“That’s just the thing. It’s working too well. You and Sofia Efthmfghthfiatou are doing great work bringing in some big names from journalism, but now our own employees are quitting their lucrative careers here to make their living on the platform. Jasmine Sun bought intellectual pogo-sticks with her subscription money and has been thinkboiinging around San Francisco. Linda At Substack—”
“I don’t think that’s her last name, Chris.”
“I don’t know, Hamish, that’s all I ever called her. Anyway she’s now a memelord. It’s too good!”
“You know, they say people don’t leave a job, they leave their boss.”
“But I’m the Best! That doesn’t make any sense. It’s the money, Hamish. Our platform is working too well.”
“Who do we still have?”
“Mills is holding down our Secret Projects division in New Orleans.”
“We have a secret projects division?”
“You didn’t get the memo? We posted it everywhere. And Ben, who added categories and I presume does other things also.”
“Ah yes, the categories have been great. Really helps users farm for the content they—”
“Shhh don’t say that so loud,” Chris interrupted.
“Don’t say what?”
“‘Farm’, the Aggro-culture folks are having a cow right now. Zach At Substack is still around—I haven’t figured out his relation to Linda yet.”
“Again—don’t think that’s his name, Chris.”
“I’m just saying—we can’t let our employees be too successful on the platform, or we won’t be able to keep making our new engine for culture.”
“Oh, that reminds me. I need to have someone refuel the gas tank on our version one engine for culture. That thing is keeping the lights on, literally and figuratively.”
“Why did we build that thing?”
“You said we needed a literal smokestack for a marketing campaign.”
“Thank goodness that was in 2018, ancient history.”
“Focus, Chris! So our platform is too good, what can we do? What are you suggesting?”
“We should do what any self-respecting silicon valley tech entrepreneur would do: we tank the platform on purpose.”
“What? You’re talking nonsense!”
“It would cost us millions of dollars, but think of the publicity! We could finally implement ads. Imagine how happy all our users will be when they realize they were right all along! We’re not different—we’re exactly the same! It’s all been a big joke! I think they’ll love it.”
“What about the engine for culture?”
“That was always just something for Jairaj to play with—did you know he likes trains?”
“It’s all he ever talks about, SHEESH that guy. How does he get so much work done from the mountains?”
“I’ve never seen him work, he codes on another plane of existence. Remember Internal Error 500?”
“No?”
“Thank Jairaj.”
“I’ll be sure to let him know. So, Chris, if we’re going to tank the company, what do we do next? Is there like a vote or something?”
“Hold on a second, Hamish, Mills is texting me about metaphysics.”
“We’re having a moment of crisis! Can’t you put your phone down for two seconds?”
“Mills’ contract has a lot of crazy clauses. Did you know we paid him extra the entire time he had a moustache?”
“Focus!!”
“Alright alright, sorry. Anyway, what’s the worst thing we could possibly do, according to our users?”
“If I remember right, it’s…” Hamish looked up thoughtfully, like he was reciting something from memory, “It’s releasing new features that bring in users from other platforms.”
Chris pointed decisively: “Exactly. So we’re going to do that.”
“On purpose???”
“You better believe it.”
“We’re all going to die.”
“What?”
“What???”
(705 words)
Thank you for reading!
Your feedback helps to improve my writing. I would really appreciate a comment with your thoughts on this writing exercise. Consider telling me your thoughts about:
How long have you been on substack?
Who is your favorite substack-employee-personality?
Who do you think wins the Substack Company Softball game, team New York or team San Francisco?
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy! Paid subscribers, don’t forget to check out the Craft Chat about this exercise!
Have you taken a look at the section called “The Volume” recently? All my longer-form stories are kept there! Be sure to take a look and catch up on any stories you’ve missed!
Thank you and God bless!
Scoot, you don't realize Chris Best made everyone change their last names to "at Substack" when they signed.
You are a madman and I love you for it.