Hello all! as part of of the Gibberish Writing Competition, I wanted to share my model of feedback that I used throughout, so that you can see how I did it and also see what the Challenge Winner,
did with the feedback I gave her. I asked to share this feedback specifically because it included plenty of nuggets that I feel others might be able to use. I recommend you read Christina’s entry for the first challenge here to refresh your memory, and then dive into the feedback.
Giving feedback is hard, and asking for it is even harder. This is a style that seems to have worked for me and for the Gibberish Writing Competition, and it can be used to help with your own editing or when offering constructive criticism to others! Remember: it’s better to offer feedback like this, especially if it is unsolicited, in private. Many people who publish on substack have an extensive editing process before publishing so may not appreciate a public line-by-line breakdown. Always offer your feedback with charity and good intentions, assuming that the writer has tried their very best.
All that being said, here is the feedback for Christina’s story, A Woman Alone At Night!
Feedback
Hi Christina, thank you so much for submitting your story for this first challenge! It was fun to read and a privilege to offer feedback.
Overall Feedback
This was a thriller, start to finish! You transition seamlessly from the MC being a scared victim to being a bold attacker—I almost felt bad for the poor chump who followed her!
Your tension was solid, and oddly that seamless transition from victim to attacker transitioned the tension into a release. It was certainly not the release I expected! This was very well structured overall, I think the way you set everything up and revealed little pieces about the world was stellar.
A piece of information you never revealed—the MC’s Name! I would like to see more on the Characterization front. Give us a little bit of set up, even if just the name, so we can buy in more deeply into the MC’s plight. We’re definitely on the outside looking in through this one—which felt like an intentional design choice, which is good—but how can you bring it closer to home? How can you make us really feel her fear?
My only suggestions aside from offering the MC’s name is maybe giving us a reason that she needs to get home. Make us readers look at our watches and worry that she’s going to be late, or something is going to go wrong. The other thing I would offer, to help really drive the release home—is give us a little bit of the MC after she pulls the trigger. She’s done it, she’s conquered her fear, she’s conquered her assailant. Does she skip on her way back? Does she call the police? Does she feel triumphant, or gross? I think that would help not just give us the moment of release but also the experience of relief, let us share in the MC’s catharsis.
Overall, a well structured and well told story that doesn’t need all that much to take it from good to great!
Categorical Review
Grammar, Syntax, Spelling: With only five points to offer, I have to be stingy—especially on something like Grammar, Syntax, and Spelling. Nothing struck me as obviously incorrect, nothing stood out to me as being wrong. I think you were deliberate about structure insofar as you leveraged shorter sentences to heighten tension at certain points, but I think there’s room to really consider using this to advance the story. For this category I score you 4/5.
Craftsmanship: What can I say! You certainly took me on an adventure and I was impressed by how the tension slowly morphed into the MC being in complete control. There was an arc, and there were subtle thematic elements—the laughter for thousands of women, the friend who wasn’t interested in a legitimately concerning story because she’d heard it before. You wove all of this together in a compelling and subtle read and I think you did a great job! For this category, I score you 4/5.
Characterization: You gave us two main characters, and maybe a third. The MC, the Attacker, and her friend. We don’t learn anyone’s name, which I feel is a missed opportunity to add depth and empathy from the reader. We get lots of backstory of the MC and some flavor, but I think more could have been done to pull the reader in and accentuate her fear. There might be ways to even offer hints about the attacker that give depth to him, too—or at least context for her fear of him. You gave us a lot—but for readers to really buy in, we have to know the names! For this category, I score you 2/5.
Storytelling & Prose: This story was very well told. You took the reader on a journey that followed the journey the character was on. She starts out afraid, she ends almost triumphant. The themes and motifs were reinforced by how the story was told, and the language was effective. We didn’t get a lot about setting—we got some, but maybe a little more would have facilitated some immersion into the story? But it was overall very effective. For this category, I score you a 4/5.
Pacing: You used shorter sentences to dial up intensity, shorter paragraphs to drive points home. You established the tension right at the beginning and were able to effectively dial it up. It felt like a quick read, because I was hooked and following along. This is an effective use of pacing. For this category, I score you a 4/5.
Je Ne Sais Quoi: This should not be construed as a criticism, as JNSQ is essentially a brownie points category for stories that really had a unique and hard to define something. The presumption is that everyone will have zero points for this, and I can’t really offer any advice for how to put it in your story. This did not have that JNSQ for me—but I hope you can tell that despite this I really enjoyed your story! For this category, I score you a 0/2.
Your Overall Score is 18/27
What do you think? What would YOU have scored Christina’s first story? Do you think this style of feedback is helpful? Let me know in the comments! Thank you Christina for giving me permission to share this feedback, and congratulations again on your well-earned win!