Ah, great comments, thank you. A lot of times I figure out where the story is going through the dialogue, but thinking back on it i could have edited that whole scene once I knew where I was going to go.
Wow. WOW. Okay. Yes, I really like this. It's unsettling, it's got an undercurrent of inevitable tragedy to it...a very good piece of dark scifi. I found the description of the mining facility particularly creepy, the unusual day-structure and the red shadows...oof. I also thought your dialogue was very well rendered, and I liked Peter a lot. I'm not the biggest scifi reader, but the droids are always my favorite part of any scifi story, so... lol
Since you asked for feedback on the suspense, I felt that there were a few things missing for me to truly feel suspense in a traditional sense as I read. Personally, I didn't have a clear idea of the stakes, something difficult in a scifi story because only the author knows the rules of this universe. But without those rules established, suspense is a bit tricky (it's Hitchcock's "bomb under the table"...a cliche, but a good one). Basically, while I know what a bounty hunter does, based on TV and movies, I don't know what Rymund is afraid that THIS bounty hunter is going to do, and in this universe the sky is the limit. So when he's running away, panicked, I'm not sure what exactly I'm really supposed to be scared of happening to him. And that would be okay, maybe, if we understood Rymund a bit better. But since we don't know what Rymund did to get himself into this kind of trouble (and his reasons for doing it), I also feel a distance between his pain and our worry for him.
But please don't take that as "bad" or "negative" feedback, because overall, this is a very, VERY effective story. It's well-written, it's got good pacing, and the inevitability (and disturbing nature) of the ending is earned. Seriously great, moody piece, and could set the scene for a larger story (coughcough).
Thank you very much for this, this is GREAT feedback.
Ive decided that I will expand this so I can address some of your points. It needs some prequel up to the place where I began to, as you suggested, introduce the actual crime, introduce the bounty hunter, etc.
Per Davids comment I have some changes i want to make to the deep breath moment in space.
And if I give sufficient introduction to the bounty hunter to make him scary then I will deploy the alternate ending which I held back because it felt out of sync with what I had written so far.
I need an emotional contrast to the panic to make the panic more effective. I will definitely be polishing this story and seeing how I can take it to the next level!
I am gratified that you enjoyed it and thank you again for the feedback! 🙏
When you rewrite it, look out for your tenses. There are a few spots where you switch to present when you shouldn't. Other than that, S.E. Reid pretty much said it all. I'll just add that to me it felt more like a snippet from a longer work than a standalone short story. Still an interesting read though.
Great read, this. I’d pay to watch a Netflix adaptation of this, in one of their anthologies. Looks like it fits in Love, Death and Robots perfectly :D
Only thing is I wish I knew why Jones was running—I’m imagining everything from a simple B&E to eating babies alive, heh. Just to understand what makes this bounty hunter chase him so relentlessly.
Ah, great comments, thank you. A lot of times I figure out where the story is going through the dialogue, but thinking back on it i could have edited that whole scene once I knew where I was going to go.
Glad you enjoyed, David! Thank you for this!
Wow. WOW. Okay. Yes, I really like this. It's unsettling, it's got an undercurrent of inevitable tragedy to it...a very good piece of dark scifi. I found the description of the mining facility particularly creepy, the unusual day-structure and the red shadows...oof. I also thought your dialogue was very well rendered, and I liked Peter a lot. I'm not the biggest scifi reader, but the droids are always my favorite part of any scifi story, so... lol
Since you asked for feedback on the suspense, I felt that there were a few things missing for me to truly feel suspense in a traditional sense as I read. Personally, I didn't have a clear idea of the stakes, something difficult in a scifi story because only the author knows the rules of this universe. But without those rules established, suspense is a bit tricky (it's Hitchcock's "bomb under the table"...a cliche, but a good one). Basically, while I know what a bounty hunter does, based on TV and movies, I don't know what Rymund is afraid that THIS bounty hunter is going to do, and in this universe the sky is the limit. So when he's running away, panicked, I'm not sure what exactly I'm really supposed to be scared of happening to him. And that would be okay, maybe, if we understood Rymund a bit better. But since we don't know what Rymund did to get himself into this kind of trouble (and his reasons for doing it), I also feel a distance between his pain and our worry for him.
But please don't take that as "bad" or "negative" feedback, because overall, this is a very, VERY effective story. It's well-written, it's got good pacing, and the inevitability (and disturbing nature) of the ending is earned. Seriously great, moody piece, and could set the scene for a larger story (coughcough).
Thank you very much for this, this is GREAT feedback.
Ive decided that I will expand this so I can address some of your points. It needs some prequel up to the place where I began to, as you suggested, introduce the actual crime, introduce the bounty hunter, etc.
Per Davids comment I have some changes i want to make to the deep breath moment in space.
And if I give sufficient introduction to the bounty hunter to make him scary then I will deploy the alternate ending which I held back because it felt out of sync with what I had written so far.
I need an emotional contrast to the panic to make the panic more effective. I will definitely be polishing this story and seeing how I can take it to the next level!
I am gratified that you enjoyed it and thank you again for the feedback! 🙏
SO looking forward to an expanded version of this!! 👏👏👏
When you rewrite it, look out for your tenses. There are a few spots where you switch to present when you shouldn't. Other than that, S.E. Reid pretty much said it all. I'll just add that to me it felt more like a snippet from a longer work than a standalone short story. Still an interesting read though.
Working on some grammar edits for you and will send via email after the kids go to bed.
sent
Thank you so much! Im visiting my family for fathers day so will work them in when i get back, really appreciate it! 🙏
Woah! That ending was definitely unexpected!
Great read, this. I’d pay to watch a Netflix adaptation of this, in one of their anthologies. Looks like it fits in Love, Death and Robots perfectly :D
Only thing is I wish I knew why Jones was running—I’m imagining everything from a simple B&E to eating babies alive, heh. Just to understand what makes this bounty hunter chase him so relentlessly.