Letters From Armin: Resolve

Selected Letters of Armin R. Tolor, No. 10

This is Selected Letters of Armin R. Tolor, a serial which will release every three weeks. To catch up on past letters, see The Index. For information on the illustrations, see the footnote¹

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Dear Jason,

I celebrated your last letter: the Armistice in Maristo sounds promising, even if there are some finer points to work out. It is concerning that they are not withdrawing the soldiers but maybe that is a formality. I told Father the news, he immediately resolved to send Lars down to tour the Weyand regiment. I wanted to go with him, on the off chance I might see you, but Father refused. Lars must begin cultivating his image as a leader, not me. So Lars will make this tour alone, will issue some prepared remarks—written, surely, by Father, and some photos will be taken with you and the other soldiers looking very much invigorated by his rousing speech, and then he will return home.

Ella is also married now—we returned a few weeks before I received your letter. She is down in South Lagrange with the Ducal court, so it has been just Lars and myself, avoiding each other in the big empty halls of Nordhaus.

I admit, your reply to the sillier bits of my letter caused me to weep. You said “You deserve to be happy, too.” Honestly, I had never considered it. You live under Father’s shadow for so long, your whole life oriented around pleasing him, doing his will, going where he wants—you forget to live for yourself. I forgot that it’s ok for me to make decisions that make me happy. I forgot that I’m allowed to prioritize myself. I don’t know what obligations I owe my family, but perhaps they aren’t as ironclad as they felt before. You’re right—Catherine is worth it. Unfortunately the more I let my heart dwell on her, the more determined I am that she is the future. She found me. I did everything I could to dissuade her, I have laid my soul bare before her and exposed my every fault and failure. She is undeterred, and I don’t know why. Why, Jason? What makes a woman love a man such as me?

And yet—her love is a blessing. I visit her often, we spend whole days together. We’ve explored the grounds of the Tark estate, and run off into the woods. I often wrote to my sister, Mary, that I fantasized about running into the woods and being a hermit. It never occurred to me that anyone would want to join me. I always figured my future would be a solitary one. It never occurred to me that one could be solitary with someone. For her part, Catherine finds relief in my love of nature as well. She told me that she worried courtly life would cause her to waste away in some big empty chamber, listening to smiling faces speak sweet-sounding lies to her. She finds, so she said, nature to be the truest thing, which I found an interesting turn of phrase. She never expected a Lord’s son to be so different from his father.

I am determined to marry her. As I write this I feel resolve forming in my heart, an intention that I must not waver from. I feel, remotely, as if obscured by a shadow, something like the resolve I imagine Mary must have felt when she chose her vocation. Catherine is my vocation. And we will make a life together that pleases us, not our fathers.

Though, I have a feeling it is only mine we will have to worry about.

Your friend,

-Armin

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1. Illustrations were created on commission by

The Chronicler

. If you are interested in commissioning The Chronicler to create artwork for your own project, see this page HERE.